The Shaken Identity
- Hailey Case and Emily Cranwell
- Apr 19, 2019
- 9 min read
“‘Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’”
Ecclesiastes 1:2
Ecclesiastes 1:2 says, “‘Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’”
We felt lost, searching for that something without success. There were so many places to look and so many distractions. It was easy for two high school girls to get swept up in what the world says should make us happy instead of finding the true source of joy.
In Ecclesiastes, Solomon felt a void that he spends so much time trying to fill. He tried everything from wealth, to success, to relationships. This is incredibly relatable to what both of us attempted to do through a relationship. Seeking fulfillment and identity in a person, left us shaken, hurt, and feeling alone.
Emily:
“Find your identity in Christ, He is the only one that will satisfy you.” Deep, awesome words that are true. But maybe words that are spoken so often the “how” may get lost. My least favorite thing about common sayings like this is that they do not hold within them instructions on how to get there. Just do it!
Now, don’t get me wrong, this is way harder than any one of us think it is because everyone’s “how” is different. Prior to my first serious relationship, I had not even discussed this with anyone. I didn’t think I needed to. I grew up in a high school and town that was far from God-centered. I did not have anyone my age that went to church on a regular basis or who even attempted to live their lives for Christ. That was hard! Not having much day to day guidance lead me to defining things myself and working through many things alone. That season felt dry but it was so integral in order for me to stay closer to God and to depend on Him.
I was never the girl in high school that people asked to a dance or on dates or tried to talk to. This bothered me for a while until realized that there was not one boy in my town that I felt could lead and challenge me in my walk with God the way I needed and deserved to.
This meant I was safe, I didn’t have to deal with any compromising situations, I was never tempted, never challenged. I was offended at the fact that no one liked me until I allowed myself to see my situation through God’s eyes, and realized that He was protecting me. When I realized how easy His protection made things, I thanked Him for it. When I look at high school now, I see this paradox of extreme challenge and extreme protection. God never gives you more than you can handle.
Fast-forward to senior year, almost done right? My family moved. And I don’t mean like found a new house across town, I mean like found a new house across the country. My dad was changing careers and my parents decided that it was now or never. From the outside, it probably didn’t make much sense, but if you know my family, you know that taking risks or doing something seemingly crazy is pretty normal. When people ask me if I miss New York my usual answer is that I miss the people, not the place. You can’t live somewhere for 11 years and not feel empty driving away for the last time. Being the new kid was awful but I used it as another opportunity to grow my faith. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of night spent crying or simply feeling numb, but sometimes the faster you run towards God and the closer you get, the farther you feel.
February of my senior year I met someone. (I know, I was so close to getting out, but hindsight is always 20/20, y’all). I had always believed I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, I thought it would be easy to stay grounded because I had always been a Christian. Accepting God when I was 12 years old, it was all that I knew, and while there is nothing wrong with that, I didn’t realize I had a false sense of security because I had not been challenged. Challenges produce faith, and faith is a choice. So when I was challenged, it was like I didn’t even recognize it, and before I knew it, that turned me into someone that I didn’t recognize, someone who let one thing slide, and then another, and then another, until my faith in a relationship and significant other was stronger than my belief of the value I have in Christ. I’m still shocked at how easy it was for me to be shaken.
I wouldn’t call the relationship an unhealthy one, and if asked, I would tell you that my past boyfriend is not a bad person, he’s just not my person. We cannot hold onto things that God wants us to let go of. The relationship was not a mistake, but I made mistakes. I was so caught up in the lustfulness of being wanted that I did not see (or saw and didn’t care) that it became a relationship without God. Sure he was a Christian, and sure we talked about faith and even read the Bible (a couple of times), but it was not a God-centered, God-fearing relationship. It was not until after the relationship was over that I realized how spiritually dry my life was. I loved Jesus and deep down I loved Him more, but I was so lost that I didn’t realize just how much I was lacking. I knew my boyfriend needed to be a Christian, that was a basic standard, but after this experience, I realized that I didn’t just want, but need a Godly man. A partner to challenge me and grow me in my faith. I need someone who loves Jesus as much as I do!
Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a season and a time for everything under the sun, and while that gives us hope, it also shows us that as a Christian, our lives will not be carefree or easy. There will be hard seasons, desperate seasons, and wondering seasons. Sometimes God allows a situation to happen to force you into a new season because He knew you wouldn’t step into it on your own. This is exactly what happened to me. I’ve consistently noticed that sometimes God has to really nock on my doors, but He is loving and He is patient and I will always be thankful for that. It is so much more fulfilling to want to be loved by God than by another imperfect human because there is nothing that we can do to make God not love us.
Hailey and I went through some of the same things during this relationship, I felt like no one understood how I felt after the breakup, until we talked. I was devastated but also relieved, I could live for myself again, which meant living for the Lord, and she helped me with that. Some of our first conversations were about our breakup struggles and it was honestly such a God thing that we even met. I’m so thankful for her advice and support. Having a friend who went through the same struggles and has the same vivacious faith that I strive to have, is an answered prayer!
Hailey:
“High school will be the best four years of your life! You’re going to love every second of it!” Whoever told me that ridiculous lie set me up for a world of disappointment. I can say with absolute certainty and confidence that high school was in fact NOT the best four years of my life, and I have only been alive for a measly 18 years now. (Highschool took up approximately 20% of my life y’all). Those four years were a wild ride, there were countless tears shed, hopes and dreams were obliterated, heart broken, and my identity shaken.
Don’t get me wrong, there were some pretty great moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Let’s just say if I had the choice to either go back to high school for four more years or live under a bridge in a box, I’d choose the latter.
I now look at my high school years as a HUGE lesson and use it to draw experience from and to make fun of high school me with some funny/dumb stories. (Like did I really need to TRY to have emo bangs?? No, I did not.)
One of the central elements that made those years dreadful was my struggle with my identity. This struggle began to fester in my junior high years, but it became a full blown out issue once I started high school. All of a sudden people were dressing better, sports were more important, there were people WAY more musically gifted than me, and somehow everyone (but me) learned the importance of a shower. I was still mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in junior high. I wasn’t ready for this sudden change, it ripped the rug right out from under me.
It wasn’t all awful, I began to slowly adapt to these changes. I worked hard at whatever sport I was in (except the track and cross country...I’m sorry, but no matter what my dad says. I will NEVER be a runner), I put a lot of time and effort in my singing, I wasn’t the most liked, but I also wasn’t hated either.
Despite all that, I felt completely alone.
Things started to look up when a boy I’ve liked began to show interest in me, this was very new for me. I wasn’t a girl boys typically liked or were friends with even. Because this was an area of insecurity for me, this is where my identity took a huge blow, I began to replace the part of my identity that was rooted in God, with this boy.
When people ask how long we dated, I always answer “Too long” before I give them the actual answer (a little over a year). This has nothing against him but against me. Just like Emily said, I would never tell you that my previous boyfriend is not a bad person, he’s just wasn’t my person. The relationship was not a mistake, but I made mistakes. I was so caught up in the desire of being wanted that I became blinded to the fact that it became a relationship without God. I didn’t pray about entering a relationship and the only thing God-honoring about this relationship was when we both decided to end it.
Not only was that relationship an idol, but it also completely morphed my identity into something shatterable. If he was unhappy, so was I until I thought I fixed it. His confusion became my own. He became this mirror in my life, and I believed everything he said, did, and I took on every emotion he had. When he said my dreams were absurd, I believed him and shrunk them down so they fit into his idea of doable. When he said that I was talking to many guys, I immediately stopped and cut off the male friends I had in my life. I changed who I was so I could try and fit into a mold God never intended for me to fit into. So when we broke up, I had no idea who I was.
But wait...there’s more. He wasn’t out of my life yet.
I started college and we attempted to “fix” things and let’s just say things got pretty ugly and my self worth went down the drain. My identity was shattered, obliterated, completely leveled. It was utterly futile
Futile can also be translated to vapor (which I love), it disappears, it doesn’t stick around. This is exactly how I would describe it all. It was vapor I was desperately grasping on to, and I thought that I was going to prevail. Ecclesiastes 10:3 describes my actions PERFECTLY, “Even when the fool walks along the road, his heart lacks sense, and he shows everyone he is a fool.” I was a fool for thinking I could hold onto something God was telling me to let go.
I am so thankful for Emily, God knew I needed a friend that went through a similar dilemma, a friend that could relate and provide comfort through her words. She has prayed for me, loved me, and has given me the best advice. Being able to talk with her able where I was struggling and for her to not feed me empty words was HUGE. She was actually able to pull from her past and apply it to my present.
I experienced the most healing just in knowing I wasn’t alone.
We were both in the pursuit of summum bonum, the highest good. Aching to obtain true satisfaction...just like Solomon.
Solomon, like us, felt this bothersome void in his life. No matter how hard he tried, this void could not be filled with pleasure, wealth, or success. When our sinful appetites give in to our fleshly cravings, we remain hungry. Only God alone can supply the nourishment our hearts need and fulfill that never-ending emptiness.
Solomon was searching for happiness, but his hunt was futile because it depended on his circumstances. Solomon’s hunt, like ours, could only be satisfied by finding fulfillment in the God who gives us wisdom, knowledge, and happiness. Conditions will constantly be changing, but our God will always remain the same.
The first mistake we made is that we allowed our identities to be put on something that was destined to change. So caught up in being wanted, we relinquished all control of our identities to an individual, not God. This false identity began because we attached beliefs to ourselves that did not come from God. Our identities suffered because we kept placing it on moveable things. That instability leaves us searching for satisfaction from different areas around us.
Our search for acceptance from a boyfriend was futile, but we will always be thankful for that season of life. We can now draw from that experience and intentionally put our identities in the God who has NEVER EVER changed.
With Love,
Hailey and Emily
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